Highlights Of 2011

so the year is nearly up and what a year its been. for the most part i think ive blocked most of it out as i dont really remember it very well.
In January i was pretty much a mess as the anniversary of loosing baby Jack hit me really hard. me and the biker had a really bad month as he didnt really understand what i was going through.
February was disappointing. we were really hard up for cash so couldnt afford to do anything for valentines day. neither of us had the thought of just staying in, lighting some candles and watching a film. something to think about for next year though.
not really anything to say about march.
April brought a new life to our family. my beautiful niece was born on the bikers birthday with literally minutes to spare. he was so happy it was on that day. she was so small and perfect i wanted to steal her away.
in may my gorgeous son turned 4. it still makes me sad how fast he is growing up :(
nothing in June other than my birthday. and nothing was memorable about that unfortunately.
in July we went on holiday with my sister and mom. it was actually a really nice holiday we went to rhyl in wales and we stayed in a lovely big caravan. it was a really relaxing week and we absolutely loved it. ive got to say it was one of the highlights of the year.
august wasnt noteworthy
in September my little man started "big" school. he went to school in his uniform and i cried a little. did i mention how much i absolutely hate how fast he is growing up? this was also the moth that my world collapsed around me. me and the biker had been growing apart for a while and it all came to blows and i asked him to leave. i wanted to see if he would fight for me and stay. he didnt. i realised though i loved him way to much to let it end that way so i begged for him to come back. i cant live without him. he was only gone for 3 days but i thought we were ok....until he told me he kissed someone who has been after him for years. we had the mother of all rows that lasted for a whole weekend. i was so traumatised i had to go back onto my anti depressants. the night i found out i cut my arms to shreds and i thew it in his face that i had done it. i wanted to hurt him like he had hurt me. its taken a long time and alot of talking but we are back on track and i can say we are trying our best to make sure nothing like that ever happens again.
October was another bad month for us. i had another miscarriage. i was about 5 weeks along and it took a week to have all the tests done to confirm that the baby was gone. i named her Robyn
November was spent shopping for Christmas
December..........well it was Christmas. thats all i can really say about December. you can read my other post on Christmas if you wish to do so.

and thats it really. ive probably missed out quite abit because, for the most part, i can only seem to remember the bad parts. other than our holiday and my niece being born 2011 seems to have been a big pile of shit. im glad it will soon be over and im looking forward to seeing what 2012 will bring. i hope its nothing but good things

something for the Father In Law

i was on pinterest not too long ago looking for all things Jack Daniels and i cane across a recipie for Jack Daniels pecans and the FIL said he would love me to make some of these for him. so i did :)
i wasnt 100% happy with them as they dont really taste much like Jack Daniels at all but everyone who tasted them said they were really nice

and heres the recipie

JACK DANIELLS PECANS

1/4 cup of sugar
1 tablespoon of instant coffee
3 tablespoons of Jack Daniels
1 1/2 cups of pecans

add the sugar, coffee and JD into a thick bottomed pan and mix thoroughly then add the pecans.
bring everything to the boil
transfer the mix to an oven tray and bake in the oven untill dry


feel free to mix the recipe up a little bit as this is far from the original recipe i was going to use. everybody has different preferences.

oh yeah. and ENJOY :D

Hope

Today i went shopping by myself. I had the intention of buying myself some books which i did. on the way to catch the bus i stopped in at an faux antique jewelry shop just to look around. as soon as i walked in my eyes were drawn to this bracelet

and i just knew i was meant to find it.
i know now that i dont want to give up on holding another child of my own no matter how long it takes. i have to have hope. without hope there is nothing.
im wearing the bracelet now on the wrist with my angels tattoos. it will be a constant reminder not to give up

somthing crafty

R got his hands on his nans cactus the other day which resulted in an hour of plucking the spikes for his hands. i thought putting some antiseptic on his hands when we got home. i only had the syuff you have to dilute so i filled a small glas with the antipeptic and the water so i could dilute it according to the label (a bit paranoid i know)
so after a screaming fit from R as i put the stuff on his hands i was left with a glass full of diluted antiseptic. i didnt want to throw it away and waste it (even though i know its only cheap) i really hate wasting things.
so i washed out a couple of small alcohol bottles me and the biker had gotten for christmas (the alcohol obviosly having been consumed) and i put the dilute antiseptic into the bottles.
now i dont have to dilute it next time i need to use some (which will be soon knowing R)

the future

im at a loss as to what to do next with ttc. do we carry on nd hope for that natural BFP? we've done it 4 times before although it did result in 3 losses.
do we go for IVF egg share? it would cost a bit of money and we would have to travel to London for it. and there is the possibility that it wont work. or it will work but then i lose the resulting baby.
do we go for foster acre? could either of us handle it emotional upheaval when the foster child finds adoptive parents? could we say goodbye again and again? could we cope with the problem children we could end up with?
do we go for adoption? could we give up on having another child that is biologically ours? could we go through all of the castle that is the adoption process? could the biker love a child that wasnt his biologically? again could we deal with the problems that could arise with an adopted child?

so many questions and i cant answer a single one of them. i think me and the biker need to sit down and have a long serios conversation about what the future holds for us as a family. what 2012 may hold for us.

Christmas 2011

well me and R decorated the house and put up the tree on the first of december. the biker was off somewhere in the house with a hammer as per usual lol. that was the start of the christmas season for us. it wasnt untill the next week i received my vouchers so i could go shopping for presents. unlike every other year before we could actually afford decent presents for everybody. made me feel so much better.
even with the house decorated and the presents wrapped and ready i couldn't get into the christmas mood.
there was the usual argument about whether the inlaws were actually going to show up and see there grandson and who was going where at what time. i hate that part of the holidays i really do.
finaly it was decided that the inlaws were coming round in the morning ans staying for a couple of hours. then we had to time it so that didnt clash with my mom coming round or with the father in law coming round. that wasnt fun either but we got it sorted so there was no arguments.
coming up to christmas day and we were so much more prepared than usual. all the presents, food and other bits and peices were brought and sorted. we were really proud of ourselves. finally we felt we were doing things properly, acting more grown up.
but still i couldnt get into the christmas mood. i was happy but it just didnt feel like christmas

the day itself went really well. although R didnt seem to care about any of his presents. he acted like a spoiled brat if im honest. he had so many presents and i dont think he deserved most of them. he is still acting like a brat now too. all the sdults behaved except of course the step father in law but i wsnt expecting anything less from him. dinner was cooked by me and was really nice if i do say so myself.
all in all it was a really good day and yet, i still couldnt get into the mood of it all. it just didnt feel like christmas.

i have a few theories though. and when i say a few i mean 2 lol.
1) i feel like this because of the memory of the loss 3 years ago of baby Jack and i will never be able to enjoy christmas ever again
2) this lack of feeling is due to my anti depressants being doubled in dose last month and its affecting my moods more than it should

im really hoping its number 2 because i dont want every christmas to be absolutely shite as both the biker and R will pick up on it.

i hope everbody else had a good christmas

A poem about babyloss

"These are my footprints, so perfect and so small. These tiny footprints never touched the ground at all. Not one tiny footprint, for now I have wings. These tiny footprints were meant for other things. You will hear my tiny footprints, in the patter of the rain. Gentle drops like angel's tears, of joy and not from pain. You will see my tiny footprints, in each butterflies' lazy dance. I'll let you know I'm with you, if you just give me the chance. You will see my tiny footprints, in the rustle of the leaves. I will whisper names into the wind, and call each one that grieves.

Most of all, these tiny footprints, are found on Mummy and Daddy's hearts. 'Cause even though I'm gone now, We'll never truly part." ~Unknown

Family

Family is a word that makes you think of togetherness right? If only. My family, on my side and the bikers side is just a pressure cooker waiting to explode.

I love my mom to bits and we get on really well. My youngest sister can be a pain but she is a teenager so we are close when she is in a good mood. My other sister on the other hand...... We barely speak. And its all down to her husband. He is violent and controlling and hates me. I hate him too though. My sister has made it impossible to hold a civilized conversation as she brings up my hatred of him all the time. They have a beautiful 8 months old daughter who I never get to see because of all of this.

And that's just my side.......

The bikers mom and dad split when he was 7 when she cheated and left him for the bikers now step dad. His real dad was out of the picture for a long time because of how everything happened. We got back in contact a few years back and they are so close now. But the rest of his family don't want to know. So we have to watch what we say and who we say it too. Which gets complicated sometimes.

And then there is his sister. She got married, had a beautiful daughter who is now 3.........then she cheated on her hubby with his best friend and then left him for the other man (sound familiar?) Only we can't feel sympathy for him now because MIL will jump down my throught

Don't you just love family? Sometimes I wish we could just not have to deal with any of that. I wish we could just stay as our own little family and just not bother with anyone else

The Fraudulent IF

There are many women out there who suffer with much worse IF than me. I have never been through IVF or IUI. I don't know the feeling if they fail.
I have a beautiful little boy who fills my life with hit so I don't know what it feels like to be childless.
For these reasons I feel like a fraud in the world of IF, like I'm intruding in a world I have no place in.

I have suffered 3 losses and I have a black hole in my heart only another child can fill. But I can get pregnant. I have proved that 4 times over. I just have trouble keeping them.

I am lucky for the people in my life, in real life and online because now I know I'm not the only IFer that feels this way. It's nice not feeling alone.

It's been a while

I've just learned how to blog using my phone so I'm back (if anyone in reading) since I last blogged I've moved house and started preparing for Christmas.
I've missed being able to blog. It's a good outlet for all my feelings.
I don't like putting every thing together in one post. I prefer to group relevant things together.
Watch this space :)