gardeners / mechanics hand scrub

now the biker is always working on his bike or his dads car and his hands get covered in grease and other car fluids. the best way to wash all that stuff aff is with washing up liquid and sugar.
now i dont know about you but i cannot stand my sugar container being covered in car crap.
so i took it upon my self to find a "manly" sugar scrub. he didnt want a lemon one or anything that was remotely "girly"
so i searched and searched. and finaly, after about an hour of looking i found one. and it was so simple.
here it is

washimng up liquid and sugar.

yeah i know. could of figured that out myself right/

so i got a couple of jars and mixed it up.
you need more sugar that liquid as it will seperate if you dont have enough sugar.

not the biker and his dad both have a jar each and my sugar canister is safe

you can use this if your an avid gardener too as it works just as well on dirt as it does with car fluids

what i have been putting off

and this is it. actually writing down that its all over.
i went for a ultrasound and they found nothing. absolutely nothing.
no baby

so yet again i have lost another baby. i have grieved, i have cried, i have argued and now i have started to let go.

the pain is still fresh but im allowing myself to feel it. im moving forward and working towards the future.

WTF is going on?

to update those who havnt been reading. last week tuesday i got a positive on a home pregnancy test. a day later i started bleeding and thought it was all over. 

well friday i got myself very drunk after a day or dark thoughts of self harm and suicide. hashed it out with the biker about what was going on in my head and basically pushed him further away. that was a fun day (sarcasasm  btw)

so i went to see the doctor on monday. she felt very bad for me. she said that bleeding in early pregnancy can be normal but because of my history she didnt want to raise my hopes. so of course, she had raised my hopes. i left with the words "can be normal" ringing in my ears.

today i went out and brought another test. a pack of 2. and when i got back from dropping R off at school i peed on the pee stick..............and it was still positive. and not a stupidly faint, can barely see unless in a certain light positive. it was a strong second line. 

so what the fuck is going on? 

there is too much blood to be implantation but at the same time i have heard of women having periods when pregnant.

i dont want to let the biker know i have even a little bit of hope because he thinks im being stupid as it is.

am i setting myself up for more heartache? 

the doctor didnt want to send me for a scan as its too early to see either way but she didnt even suggest getting blood tests done.a few of my tweeps have commented saying i should have been offered that at least.

im gong to do another test on friday and if its the same or darker then im going for another docs appointment and asking for bloods and a scan.

my mom offers again

i finally told my mom about our fourth angel baby. i didnt go into much detail other that it was at 5 weeks again. she is convinced the hospital did something wrong when R was born via c section in 2007. there has to be something wrong with my womb. that what she thinks anyway.
anyway she offered to be my surrogate, again. and i am actually considering it.
i know there are risks with her age and it will take time to save the money. but i cant seem to carry a child. i need someone else to do it for me.
im not sure i will get any kind of fertility treatment on the NHS because we already have R.
The biker thinks its far too creepy to have my mom carry our child/children but i dont think it is. we need to have a long conversation on what we do next. because him not talking and pretending it isnt happening is not healthy for me, for him or for us.
im going to look up surrogacy and whats involved etc before i talk to him. see how much it costs.
if it isnt that then we will have to adopt. although the biker is now against that as well..............
i would really like some info from others who have maybe followed the surrogacy route or have any information on it at all. thankyou

my fourth angel baby. my daffodil

on march 6th 2012 that magical second line appeared on the pee stick. i had to wait for the biker to come home to show him. we were both cautiously happy. we knew what could happen, what could go wrong but (me anyway) allowed myself just a little bit of hope.

1 day

thats all the happiness i was allowed

just 1 day

then it started

the bleeding

slowly at first
i hoped and prayed it was just inplantation bleeding. i had done another test that morning and it was darker than the first. i had started dreaming about holding my baby in 9 months time.
i loved that baby so much
but the bleeding got heavier
and then the clots started coming out
every-time one came out i wondered if that was the one. my baby falling out into the toilet to be flushed away like waste

so this is it. baby number 4 lost before it had a chance
this will be the third miscarriage at 5 weeks. there has to be something in that? i should be able to get answers now right?
its just a waiting game now.
i have an x-ray dye test thing coming up soon and after that we see the gynae nurse again. we have lost 2 angels since the last time we saw her.
i just want my baby. i want to feel like a woman. because what kind of woman am i that i cant keep my babies alive? what kind of woman am i? i dont feel like a woman at all
i feel broken, lost and afraid
im afraid of whats coming next. whether ive got nothing but heartache and loss to look forward to . or is there light at the end of the tunnel. will there be another child in our future? children?
we have been on this journey for 4 years now and i dont know how much more i can take. the biker has hardened his heart to everything infertility related so im on this road on my own. with noone to talk to, noone to help me through the dark times, to hold my hand and tell me everything is going to be ok. how much longer can i do this alone before i snap?