we got the keys to our new house yesterday and im so happy. we did absolutely nothing though for the first day. but today we got so many things moved over.
the new house is literally up the street from where we are now. so a couple of trips in the car and loads of boxes got moved. we got all the paint and wallpaper and other bits we needed for decorating and we are going to try and get the majority of that done tomorrow.
the electric needs to be sorted but the centre is closed on weekends so that will have to wait until Monday.
i cant wait to get in there and be settled.
The little dude is really excited. he loves his new room and wanted to stay there tonight.
there is 3 rooms. a room for me and the biker. a room for the little monkey. and then a small room at the back of the house perfect for a nursery. i hope it doesnt have to stay empty for too long. the urge to decorate it and furnish it is overwhelming but the biker wont let me.
its just another example of how infertility intrudes on every area of your life
Saturday 12 November 2011
Friday 11 November 2011
living with depression
now bear with me. i know the timeline is off but im trying to tell different parts of the story rather than overload you with it all at once.
I was bullied from a very early age. the first time i can remember someone starting on me was when i was about 5. and its just got progressively worse since then. it was very rarely phisical and i was never "beaten up" but IMHO mental abuse is far far worse than that.
i cant really explain it. just being made to feel like i wasnt worth anything every day. it all just started a rollercoaster of depression. i started self harming when i was 12
my sperm donar (doesnt deserve any other name) was a spousal abuser and my mom has many scars, mental and phisical, from the 17 years she was with him. she finally kicked him out when he started his mental abuse on me. i was 12 years old and he would call me fat and tell me i was worthless just like my mom.
by the time i was 14 had had enough. i tried to take my own life. i took an overdose of pills and i very nearly died. i was found in time though and im still here to tell the tale.
i spent 4 years in counselling untill my counciller moved away. by then i was with the biker and i was in a very good place.
it started going downhill again after we lost Jack, our first miscarriage. and i got to breaking point after loosing Issabelle. i started to self harm again and i really did want to end my life. the only thing that kept me clinging on was the little dude. i was put onto anti depressants and they helped so very much. i started to enjoy life again and the cutting stopped.
i was on the pills for 6 months. untill i felt i could cope without them. and i did really well
untill me and the biker started to forget about each other. we stopped thinking how each other was feeling. it got to a point where everytime we argued i went for a knife and i started cutting again. we actually split for a while.
we had a huge bust up and cleared the air and decided i needed the pills again.
we are so much better again now.
so thats where we are today
sorry about all the dark stuff. i though i would give you all a back story before i started talking about things that you wouldnt understand fully
not all of the posts are going to be this dark :)
I was bullied from a very early age. the first time i can remember someone starting on me was when i was about 5. and its just got progressively worse since then. it was very rarely phisical and i was never "beaten up" but IMHO mental abuse is far far worse than that.
i cant really explain it. just being made to feel like i wasnt worth anything every day. it all just started a rollercoaster of depression. i started self harming when i was 12
my sperm donar (doesnt deserve any other name) was a spousal abuser and my mom has many scars, mental and phisical, from the 17 years she was with him. she finally kicked him out when he started his mental abuse on me. i was 12 years old and he would call me fat and tell me i was worthless just like my mom.
by the time i was 14 had had enough. i tried to take my own life. i took an overdose of pills and i very nearly died. i was found in time though and im still here to tell the tale.
i spent 4 years in counselling untill my counciller moved away. by then i was with the biker and i was in a very good place.
it started going downhill again after we lost Jack, our first miscarriage. and i got to breaking point after loosing Issabelle. i started to self harm again and i really did want to end my life. the only thing that kept me clinging on was the little dude. i was put onto anti depressants and they helped so very much. i started to enjoy life again and the cutting stopped.
i was on the pills for 6 months. untill i felt i could cope without them. and i did really well
untill me and the biker started to forget about each other. we stopped thinking how each other was feeling. it got to a point where everytime we argued i went for a knife and i started cutting again. we actually split for a while.
we had a huge bust up and cleared the air and decided i needed the pills again.
we are so much better again now.
so thats where we are today
sorry about all the dark stuff. i though i would give you all a back story before i started talking about things that you wouldnt understand fully
not all of the posts are going to be this dark :)
so where do we go from here?
after the ectopic (my precious Issabelle) were were left wondering what to do.
we tried for another year and then decided maybe this wasnt the way. so we started looking into adoption. i have always wanted to adopt but never thought under these circumstances. so we looked on nthe internet and we were invited to an open evening. we went full of hope that this was the begining of our adoption journey. we sat and listened and watched the faces or the other couples. it looked like it was a very tough road ahead but we were very willing. we sat down for an initial chat with the social worker and explained.....well out lives really. in short anyway.
she decided that at that particular time she didnt think i would be able to cope with the process because i was (and still am) on anti depressants (a topic for another post). basically she shot us down. i was so upset and so was the biker. he wont even talk about adoption as an option now.
so we then decided to see if there was anything wrong with either of us. we were both tested (bloods and semen) and nothing was found wrong there. so im booked for the scan/xray/dye thing in about 6 months time.
whilst i was convinced my remaining tube was blocked i started to think about other ways we could get the child we desperately longed for. so IVF was first thought of.
but how do we afford it?
egg share makes it very very cheap here in the UK
so we promised ourselves we would look into it as soon as i got my BMI down enough.
well you know what happened 5 weeks ago. our third loss and now we sre both a little bit lost
i want to go ahead with the egg share IVF but yet again the biker has reservations.
we tried for another year and then decided maybe this wasnt the way. so we started looking into adoption. i have always wanted to adopt but never thought under these circumstances. so we looked on nthe internet and we were invited to an open evening. we went full of hope that this was the begining of our adoption journey. we sat and listened and watched the faces or the other couples. it looked like it was a very tough road ahead but we were very willing. we sat down for an initial chat with the social worker and explained.....well out lives really. in short anyway.
she decided that at that particular time she didnt think i would be able to cope with the process because i was (and still am) on anti depressants (a topic for another post). basically she shot us down. i was so upset and so was the biker. he wont even talk about adoption as an option now.
so we then decided to see if there was anything wrong with either of us. we were both tested (bloods and semen) and nothing was found wrong there. so im booked for the scan/xray/dye thing in about 6 months time.
whilst i was convinced my remaining tube was blocked i started to think about other ways we could get the child we desperately longed for. so IVF was first thought of.
but how do we afford it?
egg share makes it very very cheap here in the UK
so we promised ourselves we would look into it as soon as i got my BMI down enough.
well you know what happened 5 weeks ago. our third loss and now we sre both a little bit lost
i want to go ahead with the egg share IVF but yet again the biker has reservations.
Thursday 10 November 2011
my ttc journey so far
well we had no problems conceiving the little dude. i was 18 and the biker was 19. it took us 4 months before i got my BFP and it was one of the happiest times of my life. the pregnancy went smoothly and after 2 days of labour after being induced he was born by emergency c section.
it was 6 months before we decided we wanted to extend our family. and thats where our problems started.......
nothing was happening. for just over a year i broke my heart getting my hopes up each month to be let down by the bleeding. then it happened. Christmas day we got our BFP. i was over the moon. it was the best christmas present. i started making plans, thinking of names, things we needed to get. then on new years day i started bleeding. it was over quickly but i was heart broken. you dont think it could happen to you.
so after much thought we started trying again. it didnt take as long this time. after 10 months (just after i would have been due) we got our BFP again. i was so very scared. i did so many home pregnancy tests and they all were as strong as the first so i relaxed. i started to enjoy it. i was about 8 weeks gone when i started spotting. i panicked and went to A&E. i was told "oh yeah your miscarrying" and sent home. but i didnt beleive it. so i went to my docs and he got me booked in for a scan. we didnt make it that far. the next night i was rushed into A&E with really bad pain in my right side. after pain pills i slept and they scanned me the next day. it wasnt long before they operated. they took my tube and my beautiful baby. ectopic is something i never even thought about.
so we persevered ttc with one tube.
we tried......and we tried and we tried.
2 years.
so we asked for help. we had bloods and semen tested. nothing wrong there. so were booked in for some sort of dye/xray test. i had given up completely. i though my remaining tube was blocked i was certain of it.
and then i was late
so i took a test and it came back positive. this time i prepared myself for the worst. but it didnt happen as quickly as last time. so i began to hope. and i started to beleive that this time it was going to happen. and then yet again i started bleeding. i wont bore you with all the tests that were done but it all came to end and quickly again.
So that was 5 weeks ago. now we are looking into our options. but thats for another blog (i think i have written down enough for now)
it was 6 months before we decided we wanted to extend our family. and thats where our problems started.......
nothing was happening. for just over a year i broke my heart getting my hopes up each month to be let down by the bleeding. then it happened. Christmas day we got our BFP. i was over the moon. it was the best christmas present. i started making plans, thinking of names, things we needed to get. then on new years day i started bleeding. it was over quickly but i was heart broken. you dont think it could happen to you.
so after much thought we started trying again. it didnt take as long this time. after 10 months (just after i would have been due) we got our BFP again. i was so very scared. i did so many home pregnancy tests and they all were as strong as the first so i relaxed. i started to enjoy it. i was about 8 weeks gone when i started spotting. i panicked and went to A&E. i was told "oh yeah your miscarrying" and sent home. but i didnt beleive it. so i went to my docs and he got me booked in for a scan. we didnt make it that far. the next night i was rushed into A&E with really bad pain in my right side. after pain pills i slept and they scanned me the next day. it wasnt long before they operated. they took my tube and my beautiful baby. ectopic is something i never even thought about.
so we persevered ttc with one tube.
we tried......and we tried and we tried.
2 years.
so we asked for help. we had bloods and semen tested. nothing wrong there. so were booked in for some sort of dye/xray test. i had given up completely. i though my remaining tube was blocked i was certain of it.
and then i was late
so i took a test and it came back positive. this time i prepared myself for the worst. but it didnt happen as quickly as last time. so i began to hope. and i started to beleive that this time it was going to happen. and then yet again i started bleeding. i wont bore you with all the tests that were done but it all came to end and quickly again.
So that was 5 weeks ago. now we are looking into our options. but thats for another blog (i think i have written down enough for now)
Just a quick HELLO
well this is my first blog and im going to keep it short and sweet. you will learn in time thats not usually what i do.
like my "about me" says im a mommy to my son who is 4 and wife to a biker mad nutter.
this will probably turn very dark at points as i suffer from depression and ttc takes a huge toll on life
welcome to my brand spanking new blog.
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