living with depression

now bear with me. i know the timeline is off but im trying to tell different parts of the story rather than overload you with it all at once.


I was bullied from a very early age. the first time i can remember someone starting on me was when i was about 5. and its just got progressively worse since then. it was very rarely phisical and i was never "beaten up" but IMHO mental abuse is far far worse than that.
i cant really explain it. just being made to feel like i wasnt worth anything every day. it all just started a rollercoaster of depression. i started self harming when i was 12
my sperm donar (doesnt deserve any other name) was a spousal abuser and my mom has many scars, mental and phisical, from the 17 years she was with him. she finally kicked him out when he started his mental abuse on me. i was 12 years old and he would call me fat and tell me i was worthless just like my mom.
by the time i was 14  had had enough. i tried to take my own life. i took an overdose of pills and i very nearly died. i was found in time though and im still here to tell the tale.
i spent 4 years in counselling untill my counciller moved away. by then i was with the biker and i was in a very good place.
it started going downhill again after we lost Jack, our first miscarriage. and i got to breaking point after loosing Issabelle. i started  to self harm again and i really did want to end my life. the only thing that kept me clinging on was the little dude. i was put onto anti depressants and they helped so very much. i started to enjoy life again and the cutting stopped.
i was on the pills for 6 months. untill i felt i could cope without them. and i did really well
untill me and the biker started to forget about each other. we stopped thinking how each other was feeling. it got to a point where everytime we argued i went for a knife and i started cutting again. we actually split for a while.
we had a huge bust up and cleared the air and decided i needed the pills again.
we are so much better again now.
so thats where we are today

sorry about all the dark stuff. i though i would give you all a back story before i started talking about things that you wouldnt understand fully

not all of the posts are going to be this dark :)