Ups and Downs

The past few weeks have been up and down for me. You see i keep forgetting to take my anti depressants so i get really down, and then i remember and take them so im far too "up" as its like taking them for the first time all over again.

I dont know what makes me forget. i know i need to take them. they keep me level, keep my horrid thoughts away. So why the hell do i keep forgetting?

My father in law told me last weekend that he thought they were the reason for my losses. The reason behind my babies dying inside my body. That cut me to the bone. He says he speaks his mind but something like that i wish he had just kept his mouth shut.

Is this the reason why? is my subconscious still dwelling on what he said to me/

i cant let myself beleive it though. how can i? that means choosing between a baby growing inside me or my mental health. i need to be ok for the son i have now. and for the biker.

But i keep forgetting

or is it the high feeling like its the first time again? is that what i crave? if so then doesnt that make me addicted? should i stop because of that? i dont want to stop. i dont really crave that feeling but what if i do subconsciously?

Am i not in controll of anything about my body?

ive been looking at my self harm scars recently. thinking about that control. that seems to be the only thing i could control about my body. i could controll how deep, how long, how many. it was bliss.

i cant do it anymore. the pills are meant to take away the feeling to and, although i tell everyone i dont, i still want to. desperately.

But of course wont. of course i wont