on march 6th 2012 that magical second line appeared on the pee stick. i had to wait for the biker to come home to show him. we were both cautiously happy. we knew what could happen, what could go wrong but (me anyway) allowed myself just a little bit of hope.
1 day
thats all the happiness i was allowed
just 1 day
then it started
the bleeding
slowly at first
i hoped and prayed it was just inplantation bleeding. i had done another test that morning and it was darker than the first. i had started dreaming about holding my baby in 9 months time.
i loved that baby so much
but the bleeding got heavier
and then the clots started coming out
every-time one came out i wondered if that was the one. my baby falling out into the toilet to be flushed away like waste
so this is it. baby number 4 lost before it had a chance
this will be the third miscarriage at 5 weeks. there has to be something in that? i should be able to get answers now right?
its just a waiting game now.
i have an x-ray dye test thing coming up soon and after that we see the gynae nurse again. we have lost 2 angels since the last time we saw her.
i just want my baby. i want to feel like a woman. because what kind of woman am i that i cant keep my babies alive? what kind of woman am i? i dont feel like a woman at all
i feel broken, lost and afraid
im afraid of whats coming next. whether ive got nothing but heartache and loss to look forward to . or is there light at the end of the tunnel. will there be another child in our future? children?
we have been on this journey for 4 years now and i dont know how much more i can take. the biker has hardened his heart to everything infertility related so im on this road on my own. with noone to talk to, noone to help me through the dark times, to hold my hand and tell me everything is going to be ok. how much longer can i do this alone before i snap?
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