what i have been putting off

and this is it. actually writing down that its all over.
i went for a ultrasound and they found nothing. absolutely nothing.
no baby

so yet again i have lost another baby. i have grieved, i have cried, i have argued and now i have started to let go.

the pain is still fresh but im allowing myself to feel it. im moving forward and working towards the future.

WTF is going on?

to update those who havnt been reading. last week tuesday i got a positive on a home pregnancy test. a day later i started bleeding and thought it was all over. 

well friday i got myself very drunk after a day or dark thoughts of self harm and suicide. hashed it out with the biker about what was going on in my head and basically pushed him further away. that was a fun day (sarcasasm  btw)

so i went to see the doctor on monday. she felt very bad for me. she said that bleeding in early pregnancy can be normal but because of my history she didnt want to raise my hopes. so of course, she had raised my hopes. i left with the words "can be normal" ringing in my ears.

today i went out and brought another test. a pack of 2. and when i got back from dropping R off at school i peed on the pee stick..............and it was still positive. and not a stupidly faint, can barely see unless in a certain light positive. it was a strong second line. 

so what the fuck is going on? 

there is too much blood to be implantation but at the same time i have heard of women having periods when pregnant.

i dont want to let the biker know i have even a little bit of hope because he thinks im being stupid as it is.

am i setting myself up for more heartache? 

the doctor didnt want to send me for a scan as its too early to see either way but she didnt even suggest getting blood tests done.a few of my tweeps have commented saying i should have been offered that at least.

im gong to do another test on friday and if its the same or darker then im going for another docs appointment and asking for bloods and a scan.

my mom offers again

i finally told my mom about our fourth angel baby. i didnt go into much detail other that it was at 5 weeks again. she is convinced the hospital did something wrong when R was born via c section in 2007. there has to be something wrong with my womb. that what she thinks anyway.
anyway she offered to be my surrogate, again. and i am actually considering it.
i know there are risks with her age and it will take time to save the money. but i cant seem to carry a child. i need someone else to do it for me.
im not sure i will get any kind of fertility treatment on the NHS because we already have R.
The biker thinks its far too creepy to have my mom carry our child/children but i dont think it is. we need to have a long conversation on what we do next. because him not talking and pretending it isnt happening is not healthy for me, for him or for us.
im going to look up surrogacy and whats involved etc before i talk to him. see how much it costs.
if it isnt that then we will have to adopt. although the biker is now against that as well..............
i would really like some info from others who have maybe followed the surrogacy route or have any information on it at all. thankyou

my fourth angel baby. my daffodil

on march 6th 2012 that magical second line appeared on the pee stick. i had to wait for the biker to come home to show him. we were both cautiously happy. we knew what could happen, what could go wrong but (me anyway) allowed myself just a little bit of hope.

1 day

thats all the happiness i was allowed

just 1 day

then it started

the bleeding

slowly at first
i hoped and prayed it was just inplantation bleeding. i had done another test that morning and it was darker than the first. i had started dreaming about holding my baby in 9 months time.
i loved that baby so much
but the bleeding got heavier
and then the clots started coming out
every-time one came out i wondered if that was the one. my baby falling out into the toilet to be flushed away like waste

so this is it. baby number 4 lost before it had a chance
this will be the third miscarriage at 5 weeks. there has to be something in that? i should be able to get answers now right?
its just a waiting game now.
i have an x-ray dye test thing coming up soon and after that we see the gynae nurse again. we have lost 2 angels since the last time we saw her.
i just want my baby. i want to feel like a woman. because what kind of woman am i that i cant keep my babies alive? what kind of woman am i? i dont feel like a woman at all
i feel broken, lost and afraid
im afraid of whats coming next. whether ive got nothing but heartache and loss to look forward to . or is there light at the end of the tunnel. will there be another child in our future? children?
we have been on this journey for 4 years now and i dont know how much more i can take. the biker has hardened his heart to everything infertility related so im on this road on my own. with noone to talk to, noone to help me through the dark times, to hold my hand and tell me everything is going to be ok. how much longer can i do this alone before i snap?

The one where mom offers me her womb

yes you read right.
because im starting down the road of infertility tests i was a bit reluctant to talk to anyone because i thought it would make them uncomfortable.
well the other day my mom brooched the subject and we had a really nice long talk about it all. we talked about if it comes out as unexplained fertitliy. we discussed IVF and all thet could entail.
and then we talked about what would happen if i was told i couldnt carry another child, if there was something wrong with my oven. she told me that if it came down to it she would carry our child (mine and the bikers)
i thought it was an incredibly sweet and unselfish thing to offer. to give up 9 months of your life just to make me and the biker happy.
i had a little cry about it when i got home. i couldnt beleive that anyone could be so nice
of course though i dont think i could ever take her up on her offer. even if we needed that. i dont think she would be allowed to carry a child for us. she is 50 tgis year and the risks of downs etc are just too great.
and of course the biker thinks its just creepy which is completely unfair.
im completely blown away by the generosity of this offer.
what do you all think?
i could really use some input on this.

multi coloured heart cakes

For our pre valentines day one of the things i made were multi coloured cake hearts.                                                                                                         all i did was make up a normal batch of victoria sponge cake mix then split it into 4 different bowls.                                                                                    i then added food colours to each bowl. as you can see i chose green, yellow, red and black (they were the only ones i had lol)                                            i mixed them in really well. then i put a dollop of each colour into each cake tin.                                                                                                          bake like usual and then take them out of the tins and let them cool.         when they are cool enough, take a cookie cutter (i used a heart shaped one) and cut out your shapes. its up to you what you do with the extra cake but me and R and the biker took great delight in eating it all up                             

.and there you have it. i hope you enjoyed reading :D

some days are bad days

and today is one of them
right at this moment i hate the biker. with a passion.
why does he feel the need to pick arguments and make me feel and look stupid in front of other people. why must he be so damn nasty to me sometimes.
im treally sick of being made to feel like this.
we had this problem before and it nearly destroyed our marriage.
i will not let that happen again.
i cannot talk to him right now because his dad and brother are here but when they leave i think im just going to let rip.
he cannot continue to make me feel this bad. its not healthy for my state of mind.
this will not keep happening. i wont let it