roller coaster ride

considering in my last post i was pretty much on rock bottom i thought there was no lower or higher i could go. i thought i would be living in that hell forever. that all changed on tuesday.there was lower than rock bottom.
i was woken up at 7.15 in the morning with a text from the biker telling me he had slept with someone 3 times and she has a boyfriend who is a nutter so please dont tell anyone. the bottom fell from underneath me. and i had to hold everything in because i had to get monkey ready for school. i puched a wall then got him ready. when i was making his lunch i grabbed a knife and sliced my arm open a couple of times. nothing serios but i terrified myself.
i then messaged the girls boyfriend on facebook and told him what had happened and then i txt the biker and told him........ he went absolutely crazy and said i had ruined any chance we had of ever had of us getting back together. on the bus on the way home i rang him and sobbed at him down the phone. i must have looked like such an idiot. we talked and argued and talked some more and i agreed to message the boyfriend and tell him i had it wrong. turns out this man has homicidal tendancies.
he came round at 11 when he had finished work and we talked some more. i had looked her up on facebook and she is not pretty at all. he explained he went with the first person who said yes. he thought it would make him feel better. and it didnt. after about 2 hours of deep talking we came to the conclusion that we wanted to start again. from scratch.
so now he is taking me on our first date next week and making new memories.
it feels like its new again. there is a strange combination of familiarity and awkwardness and its nice. it means we still have something.

diary of the worst time of my life

i might aswell write this all down because i dont really have anyone to talk to anyone else about what im going through.
im the bitch who fucked up so i have no right to feel so sad. or thats what i see in peoples eyes when i try to talk to them.
so here goes.
today has not been a good day. not good at all. i spent a good portion of today staring at busses trying to see if the biker is the driver. and being extremely upset when i didnt see him. then i used my so to see him. i told him that monkey had seen daddys car and wanted to know where he is. so he came to get him. then when he dropped him off at home again i asked if he wanted to put him to bed. then when he was upstairs i made him a coffee so he had to stay longer and talk to me.
that was a bad idea. i thought maybee if we sat down and talked face to face he would at least touch me or hold me. instead he told me that he had met up with a girl from facebook. and that my blog post yesterday brought everything back to the surface for him.
so by trying to get him closer to me ive just added a few more scars to my heart.

one hell of a screw up

yep thats me. a huge fuck up. 
my husband has left me and its all my fault. 
3 years ago i started to feel neglected and so lonely. i started talking to a friend of my husbands on facebook. to cut a long story short, i ended up sleeping with him. just once. it was the worst experiance of my life. and the worst mistake. i never did anything like that again. and i kept what i did hidden from everyone. 
and then earlyer this year i started feeling worse than i did 3 years ago. things were so bad between me and the biker. i felt so alone. i needed just a little bit of attention. 
so i started up another twitter account and started talking to all sorts of men. and after a while they started asking for pictures, and i said yes. i started putting up pictures of myself. and i started getting pictures back too.
no matter how hard you hide things, they have a way of getting out. 
he found out. he found out everything
he stayed for a while. everything seemed to be getting better. until one day he says we need to take a break and he leaves. 
i kept trying to make things better. i kept trying to make things right. but it wasnt enough. nothing will ever be enough.
so im raising my boy alone now. nursing my broken heart and hoping, hoping with everything i have that he will come back. that he can eventually forgive me and learn to trust me again.
ive lost everything and its all my fault. i deserve everything that comes my way but he doesnt. i hope his heart can mend
i really want him back. im not sure if i can cope without him. everytime i see him i want to hold him and not being able to is killing me.
most people will choose to hate me and i understand because i hate myself

Ups and Downs

The past few weeks have been up and down for me. You see i keep forgetting to take my anti depressants so i get really down, and then i remember and take them so im far too "up" as its like taking them for the first time all over again.

I dont know what makes me forget. i know i need to take them. they keep me level, keep my horrid thoughts away. So why the hell do i keep forgetting?

My father in law told me last weekend that he thought they were the reason for my losses. The reason behind my babies dying inside my body. That cut me to the bone. He says he speaks his mind but something like that i wish he had just kept his mouth shut.

Is this the reason why? is my subconscious still dwelling on what he said to me/

i cant let myself beleive it though. how can i? that means choosing between a baby growing inside me or my mental health. i need to be ok for the son i have now. and for the biker.

But i keep forgetting

or is it the high feeling like its the first time again? is that what i crave? if so then doesnt that make me addicted? should i stop because of that? i dont want to stop. i dont really crave that feeling but what if i do subconsciously?

Am i not in controll of anything about my body?

ive been looking at my self harm scars recently. thinking about that control. that seems to be the only thing i could control about my body. i could controll how deep, how long, how many. it was bliss.

i cant do it anymore. the pills are meant to take away the feeling to and, although i tell everyone i dont, i still want to. desperately.

But of course wont. of course i wont

My sister and her husband

My sister got with her now husband when she was 14. it was only a short relationship at the time and he broke it off on her 15th birthday. nice guy huh?

they got back together when she was 18, she is 22 now.

i have never liked him. not even a little bit.he is an arrogant bastard and treats my sister like crap. he is violent to although thankfully not towards my sister. in their house they have many holes through doors and countless brocken things.

they have a 1 year old daughter who is absolutely beautiful. i love my neice to bits.

yesterday my sis asked if i could have the baby for the night. it turns out 2 weeks ago he told her he didnt love her and wanted to leave. since then she has been trying everything to make it work. and he has done nothing.

so last night she wanted me to have the baby so that she could hash it out with him with no distractions.
all of my family were preying that he would leave. it would hurt my sister alot but she would get over it eventually. she can do so much better.

we were all praying that she would stick up for herself.............but that didnt happen. apparently he begged for forgiveness and she gave it.

they have been married 6 months and he is always out getting pissed. he only gives my sis money for rent and shopping. sometimes he doesnt even come home after a night out and my sis doesnt know where he is.

i just wish she wouold see sense. i worry that once he runs out of objects to break he will turn on her. i worry that he is going to fuck with her head until she feels ugly and useless. i worry that history will repeat itself and she will end up like my mom before my dad finally left. i most of all i worry about how my neice will end up growing up around ll of that anger. it didnt work out well for me

Just a Little Music

I find it amazing how music can change your entire mood and quickly too.

Ive put my ipod on shuffle and ive been listening for just over an hour now. ive gone through such a range of emotions it feels like im on a rolorcoaster. one minute im so sad, another i feel extremely guilty but happy at the same time. i can be antsy and want to go and get drunk. dancing round the room like a mad woman.

but there are the songs that remind me of the losses in my life. my four angels. my lack of a dad. and just how alone i feel sometimes

where would we be without music in our lives? you might as well ask what would it be like without colour.

im just so very thankful for the music and the freedom it gives me to feel what i need to feel

gardeners / mechanics hand scrub

now the biker is always working on his bike or his dads car and his hands get covered in grease and other car fluids. the best way to wash all that stuff aff is with washing up liquid and sugar.
now i dont know about you but i cannot stand my sugar container being covered in car crap.
so i took it upon my self to find a "manly" sugar scrub. he didnt want a lemon one or anything that was remotely "girly"
so i searched and searched. and finaly, after about an hour of looking i found one. and it was so simple.
here it is

washimng up liquid and sugar.

yeah i know. could of figured that out myself right/

so i got a couple of jars and mixed it up.
you need more sugar that liquid as it will seperate if you dont have enough sugar.

not the biker and his dad both have a jar each and my sugar canister is safe

you can use this if your an avid gardener too as it works just as well on dirt as it does with car fluids

what i have been putting off

and this is it. actually writing down that its all over.
i went for a ultrasound and they found nothing. absolutely nothing.
no baby

so yet again i have lost another baby. i have grieved, i have cried, i have argued and now i have started to let go.

the pain is still fresh but im allowing myself to feel it. im moving forward and working towards the future.

WTF is going on?

to update those who havnt been reading. last week tuesday i got a positive on a home pregnancy test. a day later i started bleeding and thought it was all over. 

well friday i got myself very drunk after a day or dark thoughts of self harm and suicide. hashed it out with the biker about what was going on in my head and basically pushed him further away. that was a fun day (sarcasasm  btw)

so i went to see the doctor on monday. she felt very bad for me. she said that bleeding in early pregnancy can be normal but because of my history she didnt want to raise my hopes. so of course, she had raised my hopes. i left with the words "can be normal" ringing in my ears.

today i went out and brought another test. a pack of 2. and when i got back from dropping R off at school i peed on the pee stick..............and it was still positive. and not a stupidly faint, can barely see unless in a certain light positive. it was a strong second line. 

so what the fuck is going on? 

there is too much blood to be implantation but at the same time i have heard of women having periods when pregnant.

i dont want to let the biker know i have even a little bit of hope because he thinks im being stupid as it is.

am i setting myself up for more heartache? 

the doctor didnt want to send me for a scan as its too early to see either way but she didnt even suggest getting blood tests done.a few of my tweeps have commented saying i should have been offered that at least.

im gong to do another test on friday and if its the same or darker then im going for another docs appointment and asking for bloods and a scan.

my mom offers again

i finally told my mom about our fourth angel baby. i didnt go into much detail other that it was at 5 weeks again. she is convinced the hospital did something wrong when R was born via c section in 2007. there has to be something wrong with my womb. that what she thinks anyway.
anyway she offered to be my surrogate, again. and i am actually considering it.
i know there are risks with her age and it will take time to save the money. but i cant seem to carry a child. i need someone else to do it for me.
im not sure i will get any kind of fertility treatment on the NHS because we already have R.
The biker thinks its far too creepy to have my mom carry our child/children but i dont think it is. we need to have a long conversation on what we do next. because him not talking and pretending it isnt happening is not healthy for me, for him or for us.
im going to look up surrogacy and whats involved etc before i talk to him. see how much it costs.
if it isnt that then we will have to adopt. although the biker is now against that as well..............
i would really like some info from others who have maybe followed the surrogacy route or have any information on it at all. thankyou

my fourth angel baby. my daffodil

on march 6th 2012 that magical second line appeared on the pee stick. i had to wait for the biker to come home to show him. we were both cautiously happy. we knew what could happen, what could go wrong but (me anyway) allowed myself just a little bit of hope.

1 day

thats all the happiness i was allowed

just 1 day

then it started

the bleeding

slowly at first
i hoped and prayed it was just inplantation bleeding. i had done another test that morning and it was darker than the first. i had started dreaming about holding my baby in 9 months time.
i loved that baby so much
but the bleeding got heavier
and then the clots started coming out
every-time one came out i wondered if that was the one. my baby falling out into the toilet to be flushed away like waste

so this is it. baby number 4 lost before it had a chance
this will be the third miscarriage at 5 weeks. there has to be something in that? i should be able to get answers now right?
its just a waiting game now.
i have an x-ray dye test thing coming up soon and after that we see the gynae nurse again. we have lost 2 angels since the last time we saw her.
i just want my baby. i want to feel like a woman. because what kind of woman am i that i cant keep my babies alive? what kind of woman am i? i dont feel like a woman at all
i feel broken, lost and afraid
im afraid of whats coming next. whether ive got nothing but heartache and loss to look forward to . or is there light at the end of the tunnel. will there be another child in our future? children?
we have been on this journey for 4 years now and i dont know how much more i can take. the biker has hardened his heart to everything infertility related so im on this road on my own. with noone to talk to, noone to help me through the dark times, to hold my hand and tell me everything is going to be ok. how much longer can i do this alone before i snap?

The one where mom offers me her womb

yes you read right.
because im starting down the road of infertility tests i was a bit reluctant to talk to anyone because i thought it would make them uncomfortable.
well the other day my mom brooched the subject and we had a really nice long talk about it all. we talked about if it comes out as unexplained fertitliy. we discussed IVF and all thet could entail.
and then we talked about what would happen if i was told i couldnt carry another child, if there was something wrong with my oven. she told me that if it came down to it she would carry our child (mine and the bikers)
i thought it was an incredibly sweet and unselfish thing to offer. to give up 9 months of your life just to make me and the biker happy.
i had a little cry about it when i got home. i couldnt beleive that anyone could be so nice
of course though i dont think i could ever take her up on her offer. even if we needed that. i dont think she would be allowed to carry a child for us. she is 50 tgis year and the risks of downs etc are just too great.
and of course the biker thinks its just creepy which is completely unfair.
im completely blown away by the generosity of this offer.
what do you all think?
i could really use some input on this.

multi coloured heart cakes

For our pre valentines day one of the things i made were multi coloured cake hearts.                                                                                                         all i did was make up a normal batch of victoria sponge cake mix then split it into 4 different bowls.                                                                                    i then added food colours to each bowl. as you can see i chose green, yellow, red and black (they were the only ones i had lol)                                            i mixed them in really well. then i put a dollop of each colour into each cake tin.                                                                                                          bake like usual and then take them out of the tins and let them cool.         when they are cool enough, take a cookie cutter (i used a heart shaped one) and cut out your shapes. its up to you what you do with the extra cake but me and R and the biker took great delight in eating it all up                             

.and there you have it. i hope you enjoyed reading :D

some days are bad days

and today is one of them
right at this moment i hate the biker. with a passion.
why does he feel the need to pick arguments and make me feel and look stupid in front of other people. why must he be so damn nasty to me sometimes.
im treally sick of being made to feel like this.
we had this problem before and it nearly destroyed our marriage.
i will not let that happen again.
i cannot talk to him right now because his dad and brother are here but when they leave i think im just going to let rip.
he cannot continue to make me feel this bad. its not healthy for my state of mind.
this will not keep happening. i wont let it

Happy Heart Day

Just a quick post today to say happy heart day to all my readers.
Whether you have someone, someones or noone have a good day and get spoiled or spoil yourself.
Either way have a great day

Dream Baby Dream

this morning i didnt want to wake up. the dream i was having was so vivid and so real i didnt want to let it go.
i dreamed i had a baby girl and my family was complete. it was so real.
the whole pregnancy, the birth and holding my precious angel. my family was whole and i told everyone i met how special my family was.
i have some baby clothes a friend gave me as she knew i would have another baby and in the dream i was putting these clothes on her tiny little body.
she was so beautiful. a perfect combination of me and the biker.
i never wanted to wake up.
when i did wake up the first thing i saw was R smiling at me and i knew no matter how this journey ends i already have a perfect child.

something for the hubby

ive been going through blogs and looking on pinterest for some date ideas for me and the biker. we have kind of gotten into a slump lately.........ok for a couple of years. we dont really do anything together other than watch tv or dvds together. i can count the number of times we have been out in the last 2 years on one hand. 
its a bit upsetting really when you put it down like that.
so, like i was saying i looked and looked for some ideas and i found.....a lot. a few of them just arent practical for us to do (searching garage sales) stuuf like that doesnt happen in england. 
i got the idea to compile a list and post it on here for anyone who is interested.


so here we 

• Make homemade pizzas together. You can get the dry mix from asda and just follow the instructions and add your own toppings
• Have a pick nick. If the weather is uncooperative put a blanket on the living room floor
• Go and see a play. There are usually lots of places to chose from
• Go to the park. Pretend you are children and swing on the swings and feed the ducks
• Check out a museum. They are usually cheap or even free to get in.
• Treasure hunting. Each take £10-£20 out with you and have a look round some car boot sales. See what treasures you can find
• Go for a swim. Its really relaxing in the pool or the Jacuzzi
• Have a living room campout. Make a tent out of sheets and watch a film and sleep on an air mattress
• Go to a local fair. Spend time going on all the rides and eating junk food
• Visit the zoo. Find out if there is a zoo nearby. If there isn’t then go and find some local wildlife
• Take a drive. Just getting out and taking a drive can be really relaxing. You never know where you could end up
• Have a movie marathon. Buy a series of films and watch them all in one night
• Go bowling. Have a little healthy competition
• TV show marathon. Get an entire series worth of DVDs of your favourite shows or rent them and watch them all in one night
• Try a new restaurant. Try somewhere new instead of the same old place all the time
• Make breakfast together and eat it in bed. When the kid/s are still in bed or at a sleepover
• Exercise together. Take a class at the gym or go jogging or even just work out at home
• Visit a bakery. Go to a local bakery and pick a treat each
• Go to the arcade. Get some change and head to your nearest arcade. See if you can win any prizes
• Go ice skating. Whether you’re a pro or really clumsy ice skating is always fun

enjoy yourselves on your dates :)

going eco and crafty

so ive spent most of the past couple of weeks planning and making things and ive loved it :D

to start with i made eco friendly fabric conditioner and washing powder. for the fabric conditioner you need equal parts water, white vinegar and bicarb of soda. mix everything up and use 1/8 of a cup in each load of washing.
for the washing powder you need 1 bar of soap (no scent or colour), 1 cup of bicarb of soda and 1 cup of washing soda crystals. grate the soap and mix with the other ingrediants. you only need 1 tablespoon in each load. i know it doesnt sound alot but it does work. i put the fabric conditioner in an old f c container i had lying around and the washing powder in a glass jar i brought for it. ive used blue bar of soap but this is becase i accidentally brought it. next time ill use a colorless bar

i also made a cork board and chalk board. with 2 baking trays. i painted one of them with chalkboard paint and glued the other with wine corks. i then glued buttons around the edges. i think they turned out pretty well. i like them anyway and  so does the biker.

on sunday i was asked by the biker to make cinamon rolls, there are only 2 places in England you can get the ones made famous in america and we have tried these and fell in love with them. i found many recipes on pinterest and decided on one that looked......homely? i cant really explain why i chose this one. well i tried it out and wow the sheer amount it made was amazing. i had to cut the dough in half and freeze half. the recicpie said not to skimp on the brown sugar and cinnamon so i didnt. OMG they were absolutely beautiful. so mouth watering. the biker said they were really nice and i can tell when he means it. http://pinterest.com/pin/157837161910331888/


i had a thought the other night when i was on my own before the biker changed back to working days. i wanted to make butterbeer. like in harry potter. pinterest to the rescue hehe. i looked for recipies and there were a few. i didnt like the look of most of them though an i was just about to give up when i found it. and oh wow does it taste so nice. very sweet but for those, like me, who have a sweet tooth its perfect.
all you need is 2 tbsp of brown sugar, 2 tbsp of butter, 1 mug of milk, 1 tsp vannilla extract and a pinch of cinnamon. heat the sugar and butter together and then add the milk. heat for a little while then add the vanilla and cinnamon. mix together until it boils and there you have it. beautiful
http://pinterest.com/pin/157837161910276031/

the bikers hand are always dry and with the cold weather they have been cracking and bleeding. so i decided to make him some moisturising cream. i mixed together 200ml of vasaline, 200ml of e45 cream and 300ml of baby lotion. i used an electric whisk to mix them together. and thats it. it really works although the biker keeps forgetting to actually use it. i think he has used it twice. i use it though (it makes alot) and i gave some to my sister and mom and they tell me it really works for them. ive been using it on Rs feet as well as they get really dry and flakey. since using it though they have been as soft as a babys bottom. http://pinterest.com/pin/157837161910180851/

and thats what ive been up to for the past few weeks. idont know if anybody is reading this but of you are then i hope there is something in this post you can take away with you, something that can be usefull

family dysfunction

well a lot has happened since i last posted but i need to get this off my chest before i start sorting photos out for my main post.
it was step FILs birthday on friday and him MIL, SIL AND BIL took R out to bowling and me and the biker were going to meet them after the biker got back from work. we sorted the present and the card and walked up. as soon as we got there i got asked to look for MIL and SIL in the toilets. i found them and it was apparente that SIL was very, very drunk. as it turned out MIL was the only one there who wasnt absolutely pissed.
im so angry. after we got there i was the only one looking out for R and his 3 year old cousin. both kept trying to run off and i was the only one making sure they didnt. what the hell were they doing before we got there? who was looking after the kids?
i have always said i didnt want R around people who are drinking. i remember being scared out of my mind surrounded by drunks when i was a child. i never ever wanted that for R but now its happened. i dont know if he was scared as he wouldnt tell me but i know he noticed the actions of those who were drunk. i wanted to cry the entire time we were there and of course that caused a row with the biker. he doesnt understand why i cant have things like that happen. he had such a good childhood compared to mine. i dont want to use my past as an excuse for anything but it always creeps up on me.
all the biker could see was me in a mood around his family. no matter what i say he wont ever get it.
i hate that R has had this experience at the age of just 4. i had hoped he would never have to

days of our lives

or rather my life
I've been pretty busy for the past few days and so have been neglecting my blogs (all 3 of them) but now I'm ready to catch up again

so the father in law has been told he needs to find somewhere else to live. his landlord is going through a messy divorce atm and the house that FIL lives in is in his wife's name. and she wants him out. so of course the biker offered him to stay at our house with the 2 kids until he finds somewhere if he hasn't by the time he has to leave. he still hasn't told me that he has offered. i only know because i went through his phone. i know i know i shouldn't have but its what i do. and it doesn't look like he is going to tell me either as i just asked him about it.

i feel like a pretty bad mom atm too. Monday and Tuesday R didn't go to school because i didn't get out of bed on time <<< ways to feel like a failure. as if i don't have a issue about failing already. the biker didn't help either. he has a tendency to talk to me and scold me like a child. he will stop doing that though.
i watched one born every minute the other night and had my first infertility tears of 2012. which was followed by my first infertility nightmare of 2012. i was in a room full of pregnancy test and they were all BFN :(

i cooked dinner for me, the biker, R, FIL, SIL & BIL on Sunday. it was really nice too and i cooked it all with my new cooker hehe. i do love my new gas cooker. i did manage to burn myself though. the handles get hot on the pans with this cooker whereas they didnt on the last cooker. i just picked up a pan full of peas and dropped it on the floor. we didnt have peas with our dinner and ive got a pretty nasty burn on my thumb.

every time i hear music from when i was younger or similar music it just puts me in such a good mood. i cant really explain it. it just brings back the memory of the feelings from back then. i was so happy. i had just found the biker and we were in that period of a relationship where you make everyone around you uncomfortable. when you have to touch each other all the time and kiss as ofter as possible. i wish it could be like that all the time. why does it have to fade? I'm sat here listening to music now and I'm just so happy i could burst.

although that will be gone shortly as we have to go to the mother in laws house and drop off her birthday present. someone hand me a drink please. alcoholic drink preferably

Busy Busy Bee

Today has been a really busy day. there was the usual  school run and afterwards i had to go and get fruit and veg (which by the way was really heavy) after dropping them of at home i went to get some bits from the craft store (also heavy bags) and then i dropped them off at home.
i had so much to do in the house as well it was unreal. and then i had to go and get some money out and then go and pay for Rs school trip on thursday. and after picking him up i had to take R swimming and then walk home with a tired 4 year old.
it doesnt look alot but when you have to pack it all into one day it makes for one very very tired mommy.
yet again om all by myself at home with R in bed and the biker at work. im really quite bored to be honest. im too achy for any exercise. all there is to do is faf about on the laptop and watch tele. at the same time. multitasking at its best i would say hehe.

DIY house cleaners

ive been looking these up for the past week now and i actually tried one of them today. most home made cleaners are made from bicarbonate of soda, vinegar and lemon juice. different combinations of just these three can clean anything.
ive made fabreze as i mentioned in a previos post and now ive made fabric conitioner.

equal parts bicarb, vinegar and water and there you have it. and it rea#lly works too.

 and then i decided to see whether the microwave cleaner would work. basically put 1/2 a cup of vinegar and 2 cups water into a microwavable bowl and microwave on high for 3~4 minutes. the crap should then just wipe off. unless there is absolutely loads on it.......like mine....... ive decided im buying a new microwave. it did work really well on the bits that weren't as bad.  i would recommend it if you clean your microwave on a regular basis but if you dont (like me oops) then i would suggest.........erm.......buy a new one? and clean it more often which is what im going to do when i get my new one. if the biker lets me that is.

im going to attempt some more DIY cleaners in the next couple of weeks and ill blog about them all.
watch this space :D


**can i just say that most of the pictures i put up are ones ive found off the net and not my own. i will put my own up when i can but sometimes i cant so i get them from google images**

lazy days

i love lazy days. just sitting around in your PJs all day snuggled up with a blanket on the settee watching tele. after a week of rushing round here and there with school runs and housework its nice to just relax on the weekend. i love to read and thats what i do on these days. that or spend the day on the laptop like today hehe. 

the biker on the other hands spends the weekend messing and building things. he cant sit still for a second . and R is just like him. so i leave them to do whatever they want to do and i just laze away. 

i try anyway. sometimes you cant help having to do something. like today. i went with my sister into town to book her tattoo. she is 18 in a couple of weeks and its a birthday present from me and my mom. 

does anybody else have their lazy days?

such a better mood

today im so much better than i was yesterday. and ive got stuff done today too.
first off i cooked our dinner......in the morning hehe. i put a leg of lamb in the slow cooker with some veg and a little water and let it cook all day. it was lovely. even R like it and the biker took some to work with him. the lamb just fell of the bone. mixed in with the veg and the juices mmmmmmm

after dropping R off at school i put up some canvasses that i got for xmas off my sister. i usually end up forgetting untill the xmas after lol but i decided to get it done. im not usually a pink person but i really like these

and then i made my own fabreez :) i found how to on pinterest. all you need is 1/8th cup of fabric conditioner, 2 tablespoons of bicarb of soda/ baking soda and hot water from the tap to fill the bottle.
and there you have it. i have to say i think its better than the real stuff. it smells so nice

i also tidied under the stairs which has been a huge mess since we moved in.

and thats my day so far. ive found that getting up and actually doing stuff rather than sitting on your bottom watching tele makes you feel better. getting into the mindset of doing something stops you thinking of the bad things
i have had some bad moments today though. one of the moms at Rs school brought her newborn with her today and i didnt even know she was pregnant and it was a shock. i quickly recovered though. ive been really trying to keep my mind of it after how upset i got myself yesterday

in an IF funk

i keep going from happy to sad and i bloody hate it.
like at the moment im quite sad because the biker is working untill 2am, i didnt get much sleep last night as i had my neice sleep the night (and she does not sleep through yet) i forgot to eat properly and now im watching babies being born on the tele because i seem to hate myself. im so low at the moment and i hate it. also AF is in full flow with clots and its stupidly heavy. im in such a bad bloody mood
but earlyer i was in a really good mood. i was playing with my neice, having a laugh with my mom and i spent most of the afternoon with the biker. i was in such a lovely mood all day. and now its just nosedived
im watching how much pain these women are having there babies and i just wish i was there. i wish it was me in pain. all that pain would be worth it. im in quite an IF funk now.
i dont know why i put myself through this program i really dont. i just want to eat a huge bar of chocolate and cry my eyes out :(
why cant i just have my baby to hold in my arms? why cant it be me?
im going to try and snap myself out of it now and maybee eat something healthy..........maybee not hehe

the thing i love the mostest

BOOKS
i absolutely love to read. mostly horror or fantasy or crime.....yeah thats about it really. im currently reading a book by Laurell K Hamilton called Bloody Bones. its in the Anita Blake series. the whole series is about an animater (someone who can raise zombies from the dead) called Anita. the vampires are our of the coffin and the world knows that supernaturals exist. she has been made an official vampire executioner.
i love books like this i really do. it takes me away from real life. i can really just emerge myself and forget about the world.
one of my favorite authers is James Herbert. he is a horror writer and his books are just amaxing. One of the best ones is "The Rats" in which giant rats take over the city of London and have a craving for human flesh. there are no holes bared in this book as he describes the death of a small child and her dog trying to protect her from the rats. im quite morbid in how much i like things like this.

recommend some books if you want as ill be writing up some reviews if i have the time to although please no girly books. i really dont like those

happy reading

the year in pictures

i decided that i would catalogue the year 2012 in photos by taking a photo of me and the biker everyday of the year.
its something i saw on pinterest and i thought it was a great idea.
whther i will keep up at it though is anybodies guess. i have a tendency to start things but then lose interest after about a month or two. i hope i keep it up though

Remembering Jack

Today 3 years ago i lost my baby Jack. i found out Christmas day that i was pregnant and i was very happy for a week. on new years day i lost my Jack.

this time last year i was a mess. i never thought we would get to the 2 year anniversary without having another baby. but we did.

and here we are at the 3 year mark but i feel better. im focusing more on the positive things. on the fact that he was a part of me even though it was such a short time.

before i go to bed tonight i will light a candle for my baby and remember that i was happy he was there

i will not shed a tear for my Jack this year i will smile for him