somthing crafty

R got his hands on his nans cactus the other day which resulted in an hour of plucking the spikes for his hands. i thought putting some antiseptic on his hands when we got home. i only had the syuff you have to dilute so i filled a small glas with the antipeptic and the water so i could dilute it according to the label (a bit paranoid i know)
so after a screaming fit from R as i put the stuff on his hands i was left with a glass full of diluted antiseptic. i didnt want to throw it away and waste it (even though i know its only cheap) i really hate wasting things.
so i washed out a couple of small alcohol bottles me and the biker had gotten for christmas (the alcohol obviosly having been consumed) and i put the dilute antiseptic into the bottles.
now i dont have to dilute it next time i need to use some (which will be soon knowing R)

the future

im at a loss as to what to do next with ttc. do we carry on nd hope for that natural BFP? we've done it 4 times before although it did result in 3 losses.
do we go for IVF egg share? it would cost a bit of money and we would have to travel to London for it. and there is the possibility that it wont work. or it will work but then i lose the resulting baby.
do we go for foster acre? could either of us handle it emotional upheaval when the foster child finds adoptive parents? could we say goodbye again and again? could we cope with the problem children we could end up with?
do we go for adoption? could we give up on having another child that is biologically ours? could we go through all of the castle that is the adoption process? could the biker love a child that wasnt his biologically? again could we deal with the problems that could arise with an adopted child?

so many questions and i cant answer a single one of them. i think me and the biker need to sit down and have a long serios conversation about what the future holds for us as a family. what 2012 may hold for us.

Christmas 2011

well me and R decorated the house and put up the tree on the first of december. the biker was off somewhere in the house with a hammer as per usual lol. that was the start of the christmas season for us. it wasnt untill the next week i received my vouchers so i could go shopping for presents. unlike every other year before we could actually afford decent presents for everybody. made me feel so much better.
even with the house decorated and the presents wrapped and ready i couldn't get into the christmas mood.
there was the usual argument about whether the inlaws were actually going to show up and see there grandson and who was going where at what time. i hate that part of the holidays i really do.
finaly it was decided that the inlaws were coming round in the morning ans staying for a couple of hours. then we had to time it so that didnt clash with my mom coming round or with the father in law coming round. that wasnt fun either but we got it sorted so there was no arguments.
coming up to christmas day and we were so much more prepared than usual. all the presents, food and other bits and peices were brought and sorted. we were really proud of ourselves. finally we felt we were doing things properly, acting more grown up.
but still i couldnt get into the christmas mood. i was happy but it just didnt feel like christmas

the day itself went really well. although R didnt seem to care about any of his presents. he acted like a spoiled brat if im honest. he had so many presents and i dont think he deserved most of them. he is still acting like a brat now too. all the sdults behaved except of course the step father in law but i wsnt expecting anything less from him. dinner was cooked by me and was really nice if i do say so myself.
all in all it was a really good day and yet, i still couldnt get into the mood of it all. it just didnt feel like christmas.

i have a few theories though. and when i say a few i mean 2 lol.
1) i feel like this because of the memory of the loss 3 years ago of baby Jack and i will never be able to enjoy christmas ever again
2) this lack of feeling is due to my anti depressants being doubled in dose last month and its affecting my moods more than it should

im really hoping its number 2 because i dont want every christmas to be absolutely shite as both the biker and R will pick up on it.

i hope everbody else had a good christmas

A poem about babyloss

"These are my footprints, so perfect and so small. These tiny footprints never touched the ground at all. Not one tiny footprint, for now I have wings. These tiny footprints were meant for other things. You will hear my tiny footprints, in the patter of the rain. Gentle drops like angel's tears, of joy and not from pain. You will see my tiny footprints, in each butterflies' lazy dance. I'll let you know I'm with you, if you just give me the chance. You will see my tiny footprints, in the rustle of the leaves. I will whisper names into the wind, and call each one that grieves.

Most of all, these tiny footprints, are found on Mummy and Daddy's hearts. 'Cause even though I'm gone now, We'll never truly part." ~Unknown

Family

Family is a word that makes you think of togetherness right? If only. My family, on my side and the bikers side is just a pressure cooker waiting to explode.

I love my mom to bits and we get on really well. My youngest sister can be a pain but she is a teenager so we are close when she is in a good mood. My other sister on the other hand...... We barely speak. And its all down to her husband. He is violent and controlling and hates me. I hate him too though. My sister has made it impossible to hold a civilized conversation as she brings up my hatred of him all the time. They have a beautiful 8 months old daughter who I never get to see because of all of this.

And that's just my side.......

The bikers mom and dad split when he was 7 when she cheated and left him for the bikers now step dad. His real dad was out of the picture for a long time because of how everything happened. We got back in contact a few years back and they are so close now. But the rest of his family don't want to know. So we have to watch what we say and who we say it too. Which gets complicated sometimes.

And then there is his sister. She got married, had a beautiful daughter who is now 3.........then she cheated on her hubby with his best friend and then left him for the other man (sound familiar?) Only we can't feel sympathy for him now because MIL will jump down my throught

Don't you just love family? Sometimes I wish we could just not have to deal with any of that. I wish we could just stay as our own little family and just not bother with anyone else

The Fraudulent IF

There are many women out there who suffer with much worse IF than me. I have never been through IVF or IUI. I don't know the feeling if they fail.
I have a beautiful little boy who fills my life with hit so I don't know what it feels like to be childless.
For these reasons I feel like a fraud in the world of IF, like I'm intruding in a world I have no place in.

I have suffered 3 losses and I have a black hole in my heart only another child can fill. But I can get pregnant. I have proved that 4 times over. I just have trouble keeping them.

I am lucky for the people in my life, in real life and online because now I know I'm not the only IFer that feels this way. It's nice not feeling alone.

It's been a while

I've just learned how to blog using my phone so I'm back (if anyone in reading) since I last blogged I've moved house and started preparing for Christmas.
I've missed being able to blog. It's a good outlet for all my feelings.
I don't like putting every thing together in one post. I prefer to group relevant things together.
Watch this space :)