roller coaster ride

considering in my last post i was pretty much on rock bottom i thought there was no lower or higher i could go. i thought i would be living in that hell forever. that all changed on tuesday.there was lower than rock bottom.
i was woken up at 7.15 in the morning with a text from the biker telling me he had slept with someone 3 times and she has a boyfriend who is a nutter so please dont tell anyone. the bottom fell from underneath me. and i had to hold everything in because i had to get monkey ready for school. i puched a wall then got him ready. when i was making his lunch i grabbed a knife and sliced my arm open a couple of times. nothing serios but i terrified myself.
i then messaged the girls boyfriend on facebook and told him what had happened and then i txt the biker and told him........ he went absolutely crazy and said i had ruined any chance we had of ever had of us getting back together. on the bus on the way home i rang him and sobbed at him down the phone. i must have looked like such an idiot. we talked and argued and talked some more and i agreed to message the boyfriend and tell him i had it wrong. turns out this man has homicidal tendancies.
he came round at 11 when he had finished work and we talked some more. i had looked her up on facebook and she is not pretty at all. he explained he went with the first person who said yes. he thought it would make him feel better. and it didnt. after about 2 hours of deep talking we came to the conclusion that we wanted to start again. from scratch.
so now he is taking me on our first date next week and making new memories.
it feels like its new again. there is a strange combination of familiarity and awkwardness and its nice. it means we still have something.

diary of the worst time of my life

i might aswell write this all down because i dont really have anyone to talk to anyone else about what im going through.
im the bitch who fucked up so i have no right to feel so sad. or thats what i see in peoples eyes when i try to talk to them.
so here goes.
today has not been a good day. not good at all. i spent a good portion of today staring at busses trying to see if the biker is the driver. and being extremely upset when i didnt see him. then i used my so to see him. i told him that monkey had seen daddys car and wanted to know where he is. so he came to get him. then when he dropped him off at home again i asked if he wanted to put him to bed. then when he was upstairs i made him a coffee so he had to stay longer and talk to me.
that was a bad idea. i thought maybee if we sat down and talked face to face he would at least touch me or hold me. instead he told me that he had met up with a girl from facebook. and that my blog post yesterday brought everything back to the surface for him.
so by trying to get him closer to me ive just added a few more scars to my heart.

one hell of a screw up

yep thats me. a huge fuck up. 
my husband has left me and its all my fault. 
3 years ago i started to feel neglected and so lonely. i started talking to a friend of my husbands on facebook. to cut a long story short, i ended up sleeping with him. just once. it was the worst experiance of my life. and the worst mistake. i never did anything like that again. and i kept what i did hidden from everyone. 
and then earlyer this year i started feeling worse than i did 3 years ago. things were so bad between me and the biker. i felt so alone. i needed just a little bit of attention. 
so i started up another twitter account and started talking to all sorts of men. and after a while they started asking for pictures, and i said yes. i started putting up pictures of myself. and i started getting pictures back too.
no matter how hard you hide things, they have a way of getting out. 
he found out. he found out everything
he stayed for a while. everything seemed to be getting better. until one day he says we need to take a break and he leaves. 
i kept trying to make things better. i kept trying to make things right. but it wasnt enough. nothing will ever be enough.
so im raising my boy alone now. nursing my broken heart and hoping, hoping with everything i have that he will come back. that he can eventually forgive me and learn to trust me again.
ive lost everything and its all my fault. i deserve everything that comes my way but he doesnt. i hope his heart can mend
i really want him back. im not sure if i can cope without him. everytime i see him i want to hold him and not being able to is killing me.
most people will choose to hate me and i understand because i hate myself

Ups and Downs

The past few weeks have been up and down for me. You see i keep forgetting to take my anti depressants so i get really down, and then i remember and take them so im far too "up" as its like taking them for the first time all over again.

I dont know what makes me forget. i know i need to take them. they keep me level, keep my horrid thoughts away. So why the hell do i keep forgetting?

My father in law told me last weekend that he thought they were the reason for my losses. The reason behind my babies dying inside my body. That cut me to the bone. He says he speaks his mind but something like that i wish he had just kept his mouth shut.

Is this the reason why? is my subconscious still dwelling on what he said to me/

i cant let myself beleive it though. how can i? that means choosing between a baby growing inside me or my mental health. i need to be ok for the son i have now. and for the biker.

But i keep forgetting

or is it the high feeling like its the first time again? is that what i crave? if so then doesnt that make me addicted? should i stop because of that? i dont want to stop. i dont really crave that feeling but what if i do subconsciously?

Am i not in controll of anything about my body?

ive been looking at my self harm scars recently. thinking about that control. that seems to be the only thing i could control about my body. i could controll how deep, how long, how many. it was bliss.

i cant do it anymore. the pills are meant to take away the feeling to and, although i tell everyone i dont, i still want to. desperately.

But of course wont. of course i wont

My sister and her husband

My sister got with her now husband when she was 14. it was only a short relationship at the time and he broke it off on her 15th birthday. nice guy huh?

they got back together when she was 18, she is 22 now.

i have never liked him. not even a little bit.he is an arrogant bastard and treats my sister like crap. he is violent to although thankfully not towards my sister. in their house they have many holes through doors and countless brocken things.

they have a 1 year old daughter who is absolutely beautiful. i love my neice to bits.

yesterday my sis asked if i could have the baby for the night. it turns out 2 weeks ago he told her he didnt love her and wanted to leave. since then she has been trying everything to make it work. and he has done nothing.

so last night she wanted me to have the baby so that she could hash it out with him with no distractions.
all of my family were preying that he would leave. it would hurt my sister alot but she would get over it eventually. she can do so much better.

we were all praying that she would stick up for herself.............but that didnt happen. apparently he begged for forgiveness and she gave it.

they have been married 6 months and he is always out getting pissed. he only gives my sis money for rent and shopping. sometimes he doesnt even come home after a night out and my sis doesnt know where he is.

i just wish she wouold see sense. i worry that once he runs out of objects to break he will turn on her. i worry that he is going to fuck with her head until she feels ugly and useless. i worry that history will repeat itself and she will end up like my mom before my dad finally left. i most of all i worry about how my neice will end up growing up around ll of that anger. it didnt work out well for me

Just a Little Music

I find it amazing how music can change your entire mood and quickly too.

Ive put my ipod on shuffle and ive been listening for just over an hour now. ive gone through such a range of emotions it feels like im on a rolorcoaster. one minute im so sad, another i feel extremely guilty but happy at the same time. i can be antsy and want to go and get drunk. dancing round the room like a mad woman.

but there are the songs that remind me of the losses in my life. my four angels. my lack of a dad. and just how alone i feel sometimes

where would we be without music in our lives? you might as well ask what would it be like without colour.

im just so very thankful for the music and the freedom it gives me to feel what i need to feel

gardeners / mechanics hand scrub

now the biker is always working on his bike or his dads car and his hands get covered in grease and other car fluids. the best way to wash all that stuff aff is with washing up liquid and sugar.
now i dont know about you but i cannot stand my sugar container being covered in car crap.
so i took it upon my self to find a "manly" sugar scrub. he didnt want a lemon one or anything that was remotely "girly"
so i searched and searched. and finaly, after about an hour of looking i found one. and it was so simple.
here it is

washimng up liquid and sugar.

yeah i know. could of figured that out myself right/

so i got a couple of jars and mixed it up.
you need more sugar that liquid as it will seperate if you dont have enough sugar.

not the biker and his dad both have a jar each and my sugar canister is safe

you can use this if your an avid gardener too as it works just as well on dirt as it does with car fluids