roller coaster ride

considering in my last post i was pretty much on rock bottom i thought there was no lower or higher i could go. i thought i would be living in that hell forever. that all changed on tuesday.there was lower than rock bottom.
i was woken up at 7.15 in the morning with a text from the biker telling me he had slept with someone 3 times and she has a boyfriend who is a nutter so please dont tell anyone. the bottom fell from underneath me. and i had to hold everything in because i had to get monkey ready for school. i puched a wall then got him ready. when i was making his lunch i grabbed a knife and sliced my arm open a couple of times. nothing serios but i terrified myself.
i then messaged the girls boyfriend on facebook and told him what had happened and then i txt the biker and told him........ he went absolutely crazy and said i had ruined any chance we had of ever had of us getting back together. on the bus on the way home i rang him and sobbed at him down the phone. i must have looked like such an idiot. we talked and argued and talked some more and i agreed to message the boyfriend and tell him i had it wrong. turns out this man has homicidal tendancies.
he came round at 11 when he had finished work and we talked some more. i had looked her up on facebook and she is not pretty at all. he explained he went with the first person who said yes. he thought it would make him feel better. and it didnt. after about 2 hours of deep talking we came to the conclusion that we wanted to start again. from scratch.
so now he is taking me on our first date next week and making new memories.
it feels like its new again. there is a strange combination of familiarity and awkwardness and its nice. it means we still have something.

diary of the worst time of my life

i might aswell write this all down because i dont really have anyone to talk to anyone else about what im going through.
im the bitch who fucked up so i have no right to feel so sad. or thats what i see in peoples eyes when i try to talk to them.
so here goes.
today has not been a good day. not good at all. i spent a good portion of today staring at busses trying to see if the biker is the driver. and being extremely upset when i didnt see him. then i used my so to see him. i told him that monkey had seen daddys car and wanted to know where he is. so he came to get him. then when he dropped him off at home again i asked if he wanted to put him to bed. then when he was upstairs i made him a coffee so he had to stay longer and talk to me.
that was a bad idea. i thought maybee if we sat down and talked face to face he would at least touch me or hold me. instead he told me that he had met up with a girl from facebook. and that my blog post yesterday brought everything back to the surface for him.
so by trying to get him closer to me ive just added a few more scars to my heart.

one hell of a screw up

yep thats me. a huge fuck up. 
my husband has left me and its all my fault. 
3 years ago i started to feel neglected and so lonely. i started talking to a friend of my husbands on facebook. to cut a long story short, i ended up sleeping with him. just once. it was the worst experiance of my life. and the worst mistake. i never did anything like that again. and i kept what i did hidden from everyone. 
and then earlyer this year i started feeling worse than i did 3 years ago. things were so bad between me and the biker. i felt so alone. i needed just a little bit of attention. 
so i started up another twitter account and started talking to all sorts of men. and after a while they started asking for pictures, and i said yes. i started putting up pictures of myself. and i started getting pictures back too.
no matter how hard you hide things, they have a way of getting out. 
he found out. he found out everything
he stayed for a while. everything seemed to be getting better. until one day he says we need to take a break and he leaves. 
i kept trying to make things better. i kept trying to make things right. but it wasnt enough. nothing will ever be enough.
so im raising my boy alone now. nursing my broken heart and hoping, hoping with everything i have that he will come back. that he can eventually forgive me and learn to trust me again.
ive lost everything and its all my fault. i deserve everything that comes my way but he doesnt. i hope his heart can mend
i really want him back. im not sure if i can cope without him. everytime i see him i want to hold him and not being able to is killing me.
most people will choose to hate me and i understand because i hate myself