Thursday 19 April 2012

Ups and Downs

The past few weeks have been up and down for me. You see i keep forgetting to take my anti depressants so i get really down, and then i remember and take them so im far too "up" as its like taking them for the first time all over again.

I dont know what makes me forget. i know i need to take them. they keep me level, keep my horrid thoughts away. So why the hell do i keep forgetting?

My father in law told me last weekend that he thought they were the reason for my losses. The reason behind my babies dying inside my body. That cut me to the bone. He says he speaks his mind but something like that i wish he had just kept his mouth shut.

Is this the reason why? is my subconscious still dwelling on what he said to me/

i cant let myself beleive it though. how can i? that means choosing between a baby growing inside me or my mental health. i need to be ok for the son i have now. and for the biker.

But i keep forgetting

or is it the high feeling like its the first time again? is that what i crave? if so then doesnt that make me addicted? should i stop because of that? i dont want to stop. i dont really crave that feeling but what if i do subconsciously?

Am i not in controll of anything about my body?

ive been looking at my self harm scars recently. thinking about that control. that seems to be the only thing i could control about my body. i could controll how deep, how long, how many. it was bliss.

i cant do it anymore. the pills are meant to take away the feeling to and, although i tell everyone i dont, i still want to. desperately.

But of course wont. of course i wont


Sunday 15 April 2012

My sister and her husband

My sister got with her now husband when she was 14. it was only a short relationship at the time and he broke it off on her 15th birthday. nice guy huh?

they got back together when she was 18, she is 22 now.

i have never liked him. not even a little bit.he is an arrogant bastard and treats my sister like crap. he is violent to although thankfully not towards my sister. in their house they have many holes through doors and countless brocken things.

they have a 1 year old daughter who is absolutely beautiful. i love my neice to bits.

yesterday my sis asked if i could have the baby for the night. it turns out 2 weeks ago he told her he didnt love her and wanted to leave. since then she has been trying everything to make it work. and he has done nothing.

so last night she wanted me to have the baby so that she could hash it out with him with no distractions.
all of my family were preying that he would leave. it would hurt my sister alot but she would get over it eventually. she can do so much better.

we were all praying that she would stick up for herself.............but that didnt happen. apparently he begged for forgiveness and she gave it.

they have been married 6 months and he is always out getting pissed. he only gives my sis money for rent and shopping. sometimes he doesnt even come home after a night out and my sis doesnt know where he is.

i just wish she wouold see sense. i worry that once he runs out of objects to break he will turn on her. i worry that he is going to fuck with her head until she feels ugly and useless. i worry that history will repeat itself and she will end up like my mom before my dad finally left. i most of all i worry about how my neice will end up growing up around ll of that anger. it didnt work out well for me

Tuesday 3 April 2012

Just a Little Music

I find it amazing how music can change your entire mood and quickly too.

Ive put my ipod on shuffle and ive been listening for just over an hour now. ive gone through such a range of emotions it feels like im on a rolorcoaster. one minute im so sad, another i feel extremely guilty but happy at the same time. i can be antsy and want to go and get drunk. dancing round the room like a mad woman.

but there are the songs that remind me of the losses in my life. my four angels. my lack of a dad. and just how alone i feel sometimes

where would we be without music in our lives? you might as well ask what would it be like without colour.

im just so very thankful for the music and the freedom it gives me to feel what i need to feel